We are not a glum lot, but we are highly sensitive bunch of people aren’t we?  We can be offended at the drop of a hat or catch a resentment off of somebody else’s resentment.  Hell, we are so sensitive we can even feel OTHER people’s feelings!  Isn’t that something?  

It’s something alright, but it ain’t something good.  Feeling other people’s feelings and projecting emotions onto a situation, a friend, or even a dog, can be very confusing and often times way off base.  The relief comes when you realize that not only do you not have the power to feel other people’s emotions, you no longer need to.  Yours are more than enough.  I think our history as a group has proven to us that our emotions are more than enough for us to handle, which is perhaps why we, in an attempt to deflect attention away from our most glaring weakness, put the blame on other people’s emotional inadequacies. 

I, personally, have given up feeling other people’s emotions.  I realize that what I feel is based almost entirely on my present mood and my historic reaction to said person, place, thing, or event.  So if my feelings are based on my mood and my experience, what makes me think that I know what you’re feeling?  Delusions of grandeur, that’s what.  We think that if we feel a certain way about something, then everybody else probably does too.  After all, we are right about how we feel.  This is a half truth, because although we are definitely entitled to have our feelings, but that doesn’t mean that everybody else is entitled to have our feelings too.  What might jam me up might roll off another person’s back, and vice versa.  On top of that, what might jam me up today and not matter to you, might piss you off and not affect me tomorrow. 

It’s just too confusing and daunting of a proposition for me to get inside your heart, but the real danger comes when I try to get inside your head.  THAT is a dangerous position for anybody to be in, especially somebody that can barely handle their own feelings.

My advice to you, is figure out how YOU feel about a situation first, before you go around with absolute surety assigning emotional states to other people.  Master your own emotions, and then perhaps after that, I’ll let you tell me how I should be feeling.  

“With great power, comes great responsibility.”

That line was uttered by Peter Parker’s dying uncle in the movie Spiderman.  It could have been from somewhere else, but that’s where I know it from.  If that’s true, couldn’t the flipside be true?  By assuming great responsibility couldn’t one become super powerful?  By taking responsibility for your existence rather than blaming your circumstances, couldn’t you begin to create your reality and find yourself living the life of your choice?  

The harsh truth is, you’re always living the life you choose.  Sometimes this is not a harsh reminder, but a compliment.  For us in recovery, when we face the hardest things about ourselves, the most embarrassing and mortifying, and then we admit them to another person, we get the chance to go out from there and take those defects to a higher power with whom we barely have a nodding acquaintance with, to remove those defects so that we can be of better service to more people.  After that we take the list and become open to righting all the wrongs we’ve ever done to others, unless contacting them would just be another wrong we’ve done. 

We do this stuff and from here on out, it’s smooth sailing.  I heard somebody say the other day that he was taught early on, to do the stuff you have to first, then do the stuff you want to do.  Young entrepreneur types are known for saying “I’ll live how they won’t now, so I can live how they can’t later”.  They being the ones who don’t put in the extra effort now.  We get the hardest stuff out of the way, because we have to.  If we don’t, we’ll get just comfortable enough, and for us, to be comfortable with being stagnant, well that is almost certainly walking towards a drink, and thus death.  We have the privilege of a chance.  If you’re not drunk right now, right this very second, the window of opportunity is open.  How sad it is that some of us, after suffocating in that dark room with our disease, will delight to see the window has been flung open.  We will put our faces near the fresh air, but we won’t jump out.  You MUST jump out.  If you are to survive, you need to jump out of that window while the obsession has been removed, while you still have a chance.  Because once that obsession kicks back in, most of us are toast.  I don’t know anybody who’s been able to fight it without a sufficient reprieve.

Do what you have to now, so you won’t have to do something you’ll regret later.  Be pre-emptive and proactive about your sobriety.   

The fact that there were 37,000 Valedictorians graduating this year means that you getting Valedictorian isn’t special? Or isn’t an achievement?  

Okay, so 155,000 people died yesterday, and you weren’t one of them.  If that doesn’t make you feel special, then I don’t know what else to tell you.  I wish you valued your life more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlkQk0Dxbx4

There are certain things about myself that I have come to know as truths over the past couple of years. Relatively recently, I have let myself become who I am.  I don’t mean that I’ve gotten lazy or undisciplined about lust or overeating, and I didn’t start spending every penny I had on frivolous items.  But there are a couple of things about me that I’ve allowed to take hold and get a firm grip on my life. 

1. I like to plan for things. 
2. I do much better with structure.

Now, as a work in progress, with the delusion of looming perfection, I fought against these characteristics because I thought I wasn’t supposed to enjoy looking forward to things, and I thought that by now, I should be able to function without structure.

Well you know what?  I like structure.  And I like planning.  Fuck it.  It is what it is.  I like to make reservations for dinner a couple of weeks in advance with other people.  It’s fun to text your future dinner mate about what you’re going to eat, or whether or not you want to do anything before or after.  Should you drive or take the train?  Should we get dressed up or just take it easy in case we wanna go to the park after?  These are all things I like thinking about.  I like to think.  I’m a thinker.  I’ve tried to turn my brain off, and it doesn’t work.  

The best I can do is act like the guy that pulls the switch to determine which direction the train is going in.  He would never dare try to stop it, and he certainly won’t throw it at a right angle while it’s doing 80 mph, but he can pull a switch that makes it careen ever so slightly to the north, giving it an entirely different trajectory than it would have had had he just left it the way it was.

This is how I operate my structure and my plans.  These two concepts are basically the same thing.  I like to be prepared for life, as much as humanly possible. Of course there are things that come up.  People cancel, or somebody gets sick, the car breaks down, etc.  But it’s nice to have a guideline of life to live off of, and then be flexible.  I decided that if I allowed myself to make plans, I would also allow myself to be flexible.  Rather than never planning anything and being totally non-committal about life, I’ll plan with you and then if something comes up, we’ll deal with it then.  Until then, PLAN ON!!

I’ll tell you a quick story about how I came to this realization by telling a story from my high school years that finally sunk in.

My teacher, Mr. Gerhardt, told a story once about a child that he grew up.  Not raised, but grew up, in one shot.  Mr. G was an English teacher and he had a student that was not doing so well.  He offered him a chance to pull himself up by his bootstraps to get a passing grade so he could graduate.  The kid was not too eager to take Mr. G up on his offer to stay after school tomorrow so they could work on some things to get his grades up to snuff.  His excuse was “I don’t know what will happen between today and tomorrow. I could get hit by a bus for all I know”.  Obviously the student thought he was being smart and philosophical, but Mr. G saw right through this.  He said “Do you want to pass this class or not?”  And the student replied in the affirmative.  ”Okay then” Mr. G said “What we’re going to do, is we’re going to commit to each other.  You understand?  Because I don’t have to be here tomorrow after school any more than you do, but as a teacher, I want to give you every opportunity to pass this class.  So what you’re going to do, is you’re going to grow up, right now.  Right this instant.  You’re going to commit to being here tomorrow afternoon, and IF (emphasis on if) you die, or get hit by a bus, or anything happens that would render you unable to show up, then you don’t have to come and we can reschedule.  But until then, you’re committed and you will be here.  Do you understand?”  

The student understood, and so do I.  You don’t live a life based on what ifs.  You live life based on what is.

Just when I thought there was nothing more that I wanted, that there was nothing left for me to be jealous of; I turned my attention to nature.  I thought about how unfair it is that the Earth gets all the oxygen it needs to sustain life and bear food to support all the various creatures that live on it.  From the fish in the sea to the blades of grass.  Even lightning has thunder to let it know that it exists.  Everything is provided for it seems, except for me.  

I need and want and long for. I never have enough and I’m never going to have enough for as long as I live.  Then I read this buddhist author, Thich Nhat Hanh, and he was talking about what he sees when he looks at a piece of paper.  He doesn’t see something to write on, or something to burn.  He doesn’t see a vehicle to bring joy to a child perhaps through the art of origami, which would have been nice, poetic, and probably enough to satisfy me.  Nay, it was so much deeper than that (yes I just said nay, and not ironically).  He saw the ocean, evaporation, clouds, sun, the inevitable rain, the nutrients in the soil, the time that passed as the tree grew, the animals that may have taken shelter in it, the children that may have climbed it, the lumberjacks that cut it down as a service to their employers and families, etc.  He saw all of that and I thought “Holy shit”.  I’m missing everything.  

I have no reason to be jealous of a flower, because although the flower does get everything it wants, the only reason this is possible is because it’s wants are very simple.  And you know what else?  A lot of flowers don’t get what they want, and they die.  Plain and simple.  And so do humans.  And that’s okay.  What’s not okay is being so insatiable that you send yourself into an early grave from use and abuse of drugs and alcohol, and food, and cigarettes, and sex which can result in killer STD’s, and lack of discipline which can result in unchecked depression and subsequently, suicide.  There’s a million different ways to be a dying flower, but there’s only one way to be a vibrant human and to be full of life.  Unfortunately you are the only one who can determine what that is, but thankfully, we’re here to help you begin to figure it out.

For a lot of people, just being of service to the next sick and suffering alcoholic is enough of a purpose, for others (like myself) we feel the need to keep that as our foundation, but branch out and see what else we’re made of.  That’s why I’m here.

Why are you here?

T-shirt on Venice Beach reads: I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
http://www.SadTrombone.com  (click it- thank me later).

Today sitting in a meeting on the 8th step, everybody was talking about the anticipation of pain and how it’s always worse in your future mind’s eye.  We project so hard.  This is due to the fact that we’re sensitive people.  When something goes wrong we get so deeply hurt, and so permanently, that we reject pain at any level and avoid it like the bubonic. Those of us on the other side know that growth is the product of pain, but until you’ve made that leap of faith and landed softly enough times, you’ll always fear it.  It’s totally unnecessary to fear it, and here’s why.

In my lifetime, there have been very few times where I found myself in a tough situation, and was unable to handle what was happening at that exact moment.  Looking back on it, there was always fear and regret, and when approaching a sticky situation or confrontation, there was always trepidation, but I always got through everything.  And so did you.  The sad truth is, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.  You’d be dead.  So, if that which does not kill you does make you stronger, you must be the strongest you’ve ever been right now.  Perhaps it’s time to act like it.  

The anticipation of pain is always far worse than it actually winds up being, and I always project that I’m going to have less strength to do what it takes when the time finally comes to step up.  I mean that in whatever way you could possibly dream up.  

We need to learn to trust ourselves to handle situations, because if there is one thing that can truly sap your strength in a crisis, it’s hesitation and over thinking.  While you’re supposed to be acting, you’re reacting because you’re in a constant state of sideswipe and surprise.  If you’re really looking to live this life while you’re still alive, pull your head out of your ass, and get to noticing.  Observe your surroundings.  Stop staring at your fucking phone or walking around thinking about how badly that thing went or this thing is going to go.  You are not that important.  The people around you are.  Plus, there’s like 50 of them, and only one of you.  Who are you?  Kanye West?

If you want to be seen as somebody who can handle their shit, handle your shit.  And learn from it, period.  Every time, without fail.  

Most of us would LOVE to be judged by our intentions rather than our actions, but due to the laws of nature, that’s just not the way it works, and it never will.  No matter how much you wish and hope, your wishes and desires will always have to be manifested into action and expressed through physical movement to become reality.  I can’t get into the myriad of ways this proves true, but trust me on this.  That’s how it works.  And yes, I know I said myriad OF.  It just doesn’t make sense to me when I write it without the of, so that’s that.

On the flip side, it’s a wonderful gift that we are NOT judged by our thoughts or intentions, a la Minority Report, because most of us would be in jail, dead, sick, drunk, STD infested, broke, etc.  It would be a torrid state of affairs.

After the drink is put down, the battle to quell character defects begins.  The perception is that these are to be removed so that YOU suffer less, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg.  The best motive for having your character defects removed is so that you can hurt less people and be of better service to more and more people.  I’ve found that motive to also produce the best results and the most relief.   

As I sat the other day in a battle with one of my “character” defects, I heard my sponsor in my head explaining what these little devils are.  Basically character defects are instincts that have exceeded their intended purpose, so they will never be fully removed.  If this were to happen there would be no reproduction, everybody would starve, there would be no ambition, etc.  You get the point.  I wasn’t battling with character defects.  I was battling with defects of intention, or impure thoughts.

“Nobody knows where thoughts come from.  They just…appear.”  Empire Records

That line in that movie made me feel SO much better in early sobriety because for a while, I thought I was sick and bad for thinking bad and sick things.  As I sat the other day 10 years later, I still feel bad for having bad thoughts.  But like I’ve also heard it said, as long as you don’t let it turn into an infomercial, you’ll be just fine.  See the thought, observe it, and get rid of it if need be.  You are not the originator of your thoughts but you are most certainly the authority.

This brings us to the line between character defects and impure thoughts.  I’m not saying that fantasizing about lust is good, but if it doesn’t ever turn into action, you’ll be just fine.  Just like homicidal thoughts can’t land you in jail, thinking of a cake won’t make you fat.

The fear to think comes from the obsession for alcohol as it relates to alcoholism.  If this is the case for you and you can’t think of lust or food without acting out, then this post is not addressing you or your other addictive tendencies.  You may need some extra help, but for the majority of us in AA for whom alcohol was the main problem, those other thoughts are going to come and go.  As a matter of fact, they tend to stick around longer when we beat ourselves up for even having them.  Be hard on yourself, but don’t forget what you are.  You are a work in progress, and for some of us, that’s as good as it’s gonna get.

How many times, after a short of long period of sobriety, have we heard somebody say “I wanted to congratulate myself for not drinking for 30 days, 1 year, 10 years, etc. so I drank”.  I’m sure that rationale made perfect sense to them at the time, but to an outsider or to somebody elbow deep in recovery, it sounds like a made up fairy tale to support the fact that they let up on their program and their alcoholism flared up. 

Let’s get one thing straight.  Drinking is not a reward for not drinking for a long time.  Drinking is a punishment for letting up on your program, period.  

Drinking happens when the untreated alcoholism becomes so unbearable that not even the sharpest shooter of sobriety tactics can take out the culprit.  It’s a sad state of affairs, but it happens all too often.  It can happen to somebody with 10 days, zero days, 10 years or 28 years.  It doesn’t matter.  Once you think you’ve got it, and you no longer need to practice the principles in all your affairs and grow, you begin to die.  The clock is ticking.  

Usually the last thing that happens is you take a drink, while the second to last thing that happens, is you stop going to meetings. That’s why everybody thinks “meeting makers make it”.  Meeting makers make meetings, but that’s not the whole truth either.  Alcoholics who give enough of a shit about themselves to go sit in a room with a bunch of other people trying not to drink for an hour a day, and hopefully to find somebody else to help have a spiritual awakening; those people make it.  But they only make it while they’re doing it because just like any of us, the clock starts ticking once they think they’re impervious to their own selves. 

Sobriety is it’s own reward.  Kindness is it’s own reward.  Practice of spiritual principles is it’s own reward.  Forgiveness is it’s own reward.  If you do anything with the expectation of recouping your efforts in one way or another, you’re gonna have a bad time.  Just do and enjoy the “done” part of your action.  Try not to let the done become a waiting.  If you do that, you’ll never be done. 

It’s been said that your level of expectation has an inverse, yet very accurate effect on your level of serenity.  Some people have taken this beautiful concept and totally fucked it up.  They take it to mean if you expect shit, at least you won’t be disappointed when you get shit.  What actually happens though when you expect shit, is you get shit, because you pick shit out of the ether to show up in your life.  You don’t see the beauty so you pass it by like it never even existed, when really it’s been all around you all along. 

Keeping expectations low doesn’t mean expect poor things to happen, it means expect nothing and handle everything.  The more you’re focused on what you should be getting, the less able you are to handle what’s actually on your plate.  When you can’t handle what’s on your plate it feels like it’s too much, even if it’s only a little.  It’s like putting a full plate of food in front of somebody who’s starving versus putting a tiny bit of food in front of somebody who’s stuffed to the rafters.  You get the point right?

Trust yourself to be able to handle life as it happens and when the going gets rough, get going.  Make a move. If your thoughts are the problem, the action MUST be the solution.  Einstein said that the same mind that created the problem can’t be the same one to fix it.  The problems of the world will not be solved by the world.  The problems that YOU have manufactured to feel interesting or have something to do, will not be solved by the same brain that created them. They can, however, be turned around by some right action. We all know what this is, yet we seldom engage in it because we think that will render us useless or boring.  Little do you realize how quickly life will bring you problems to solve all by itself without you creating your own.  The world is unpredictable though, and it brings different problems all the time, and that is why we’re attracted to creating issues to deal with that are, at the very least, familiar.

With this style of living, it’s easy to feel victimized and that we’re not getting our fair share of freedom to live how we want.  I heard a woman say recently “Live as good as you can, but don’t expect everything to always be easy just because you’re doing the right thing.  And when you find yourself in a pit, don’t decorate it.  Ask for a ladder.”

Ask for a ladder.  And use it. 

While working with somebody today, it became apparent to me just how wrong our approach to life is.  We want to be accepted, which is totally normal, but we go about it in a very weird way.  Rather than be who we are unconditionally, we allow ourselves to be told how to feel by how others treat us.  And then, as if that weren’t bad enough, when we act badly or inappropriately, we see ourselves through the perceived perception of other people.  We are mind readers and our own worst critics.  We accuse others of being judgmental when really, we are the ones who are judging ourselves, but it seems less painful because it’s through somebody else’s eyes.  

Let me tell you why this is more painful.  Because you’re combining thought and emotion. When the two are in sync and coming from the same entity, they have the ability to move mountains, however, when it’s our emotions and what we THINK are their thoughts, that’s when disastrous results occur.  

There is no way to safely combine my emotional experience with your thought pattern. I wind up as the loser every time.

The man in the mirror is not the man that stands in front of the mirror.  The man in the mirror is a 2 dimensional reflection of what is being presented to the world.  How the world receives the man is up to the world.  You exist in the body, mind, and heart of that man standing in the mirror.  Spend less time focusing on the reflection and more time manipulating the actions of the body and mind you live from.  (Or woman).