“With great power, comes great responsibility.”

That line was uttered by Peter Parker’s dying uncle in the movie Spiderman.  It could have been from somewhere else, but that’s where I know it from.  If that’s true, couldn’t the flipside be true?  By assuming great responsibility couldn’t one become super powerful?  By taking responsibility for your existence rather than blaming your circumstances, couldn’t you begin to create your reality and find yourself living the life of your choice?  

The harsh truth is, you’re always living the life you choose.  Sometimes this is not a harsh reminder, but a compliment.  For us in recovery, when we face the hardest things about ourselves, the most embarrassing and mortifying, and then we admit them to another person, we get the chance to go out from there and take those defects to a higher power with whom we barely have a nodding acquaintance with, to remove those defects so that we can be of better service to more people.  After that we take the list and become open to righting all the wrongs we’ve ever done to others, unless contacting them would just be another wrong we’ve done. 

We do this stuff and from here on out, it’s smooth sailing.  I heard somebody say the other day that he was taught early on, to do the stuff you have to first, then do the stuff you want to do.  Young entrepreneur types are known for saying “I’ll live how they won’t now, so I can live how they can’t later”.  They being the ones who don’t put in the extra effort now.  We get the hardest stuff out of the way, because we have to.  If we don’t, we’ll get just comfortable enough, and for us, to be comfortable with being stagnant, well that is almost certainly walking towards a drink, and thus death.  We have the privilege of a chance.  If you’re not drunk right now, right this very second, the window of opportunity is open.  How sad it is that some of us, after suffocating in that dark room with our disease, will delight to see the window has been flung open.  We will put our faces near the fresh air, but we won’t jump out.  You MUST jump out.  If you are to survive, you need to jump out of that window while the obsession has been removed, while you still have a chance.  Because once that obsession kicks back in, most of us are toast.  I don’t know anybody who’s been able to fight it without a sufficient reprieve.

Do what you have to now, so you won’t have to do something you’ll regret later.  Be pre-emptive and proactive about your sobriety.   

There are certain things about myself that I have come to know as truths over the past couple of years. Relatively recently, I have let myself become who I am.  I don’t mean that I’ve gotten lazy or undisciplined about lust or overeating, and I didn’t start spending every penny I had on frivolous items.  But there are a couple of things about me that I’ve allowed to take hold and get a firm grip on my life. 

1. I like to plan for things. 
2. I do much better with structure.

Now, as a work in progress, with the delusion of looming perfection, I fought against these characteristics because I thought I wasn’t supposed to enjoy looking forward to things, and I thought that by now, I should be able to function without structure.

Well you know what?  I like structure.  And I like planning.  Fuck it.  It is what it is.  I like to make reservations for dinner a couple of weeks in advance with other people.  It’s fun to text your future dinner mate about what you’re going to eat, or whether or not you want to do anything before or after.  Should you drive or take the train?  Should we get dressed up or just take it easy in case we wanna go to the park after?  These are all things I like thinking about.  I like to think.  I’m a thinker.  I’ve tried to turn my brain off, and it doesn’t work.  

The best I can do is act like the guy that pulls the switch to determine which direction the train is going in.  He would never dare try to stop it, and he certainly won’t throw it at a right angle while it’s doing 80 mph, but he can pull a switch that makes it careen ever so slightly to the north, giving it an entirely different trajectory than it would have had had he just left it the way it was.

This is how I operate my structure and my plans.  These two concepts are basically the same thing.  I like to be prepared for life, as much as humanly possible. Of course there are things that come up.  People cancel, or somebody gets sick, the car breaks down, etc.  But it’s nice to have a guideline of life to live off of, and then be flexible.  I decided that if I allowed myself to make plans, I would also allow myself to be flexible.  Rather than never planning anything and being totally non-committal about life, I’ll plan with you and then if something comes up, we’ll deal with it then.  Until then, PLAN ON!!

I’ll tell you a quick story about how I came to this realization by telling a story from my high school years that finally sunk in.

My teacher, Mr. Gerhardt, told a story once about a child that he grew up.  Not raised, but grew up, in one shot.  Mr. G was an English teacher and he had a student that was not doing so well.  He offered him a chance to pull himself up by his bootstraps to get a passing grade so he could graduate.  The kid was not too eager to take Mr. G up on his offer to stay after school tomorrow so they could work on some things to get his grades up to snuff.  His excuse was “I don’t know what will happen between today and tomorrow. I could get hit by a bus for all I know”.  Obviously the student thought he was being smart and philosophical, but Mr. G saw right through this.  He said “Do you want to pass this class or not?”  And the student replied in the affirmative.  ”Okay then” Mr. G said “What we’re going to do, is we’re going to commit to each other.  You understand?  Because I don’t have to be here tomorrow after school any more than you do, but as a teacher, I want to give you every opportunity to pass this class.  So what you’re going to do, is you’re going to grow up, right now.  Right this instant.  You’re going to commit to being here tomorrow afternoon, and IF (emphasis on if) you die, or get hit by a bus, or anything happens that would render you unable to show up, then you don’t have to come and we can reschedule.  But until then, you’re committed and you will be here.  Do you understand?”  

The student understood, and so do I.  You don’t live a life based on what ifs.  You live life based on what is.

Just when I thought there was nothing more that I wanted, that there was nothing left for me to be jealous of; I turned my attention to nature.  I thought about how unfair it is that the Earth gets all the oxygen it needs to sustain life and bear food to support all the various creatures that live on it.  From the fish in the sea to the blades of grass.  Even lightning has thunder to let it know that it exists.  Everything is provided for it seems, except for me.  

I need and want and long for. I never have enough and I’m never going to have enough for as long as I live.  Then I read this buddhist author, Thich Nhat Hanh, and he was talking about what he sees when he looks at a piece of paper.  He doesn’t see something to write on, or something to burn.  He doesn’t see a vehicle to bring joy to a child perhaps through the art of origami, which would have been nice, poetic, and probably enough to satisfy me.  Nay, it was so much deeper than that (yes I just said nay, and not ironically).  He saw the ocean, evaporation, clouds, sun, the inevitable rain, the nutrients in the soil, the time that passed as the tree grew, the animals that may have taken shelter in it, the children that may have climbed it, the lumberjacks that cut it down as a service to their employers and families, etc.  He saw all of that and I thought “Holy shit”.  I’m missing everything.  

I have no reason to be jealous of a flower, because although the flower does get everything it wants, the only reason this is possible is because it’s wants are very simple.  And you know what else?  A lot of flowers don’t get what they want, and they die.  Plain and simple.  And so do humans.  And that’s okay.  What’s not okay is being so insatiable that you send yourself into an early grave from use and abuse of drugs and alcohol, and food, and cigarettes, and sex which can result in killer STD’s, and lack of discipline which can result in unchecked depression and subsequently, suicide.  There’s a million different ways to be a dying flower, but there’s only one way to be a vibrant human and to be full of life.  Unfortunately you are the only one who can determine what that is, but thankfully, we’re here to help you begin to figure it out.

For a lot of people, just being of service to the next sick and suffering alcoholic is enough of a purpose, for others (like myself) we feel the need to keep that as our foundation, but branch out and see what else we’re made of.  That’s why I’m here.

Why are you here?

T-shirt on Venice Beach reads: I’m not as think as you drunk I am.
http://www.SadTrombone.com  (click it- thank me later).

Today sitting in a meeting on the 8th step, everybody was talking about the anticipation of pain and how it’s always worse in your future mind’s eye.  We project so hard.  This is due to the fact that we’re sensitive people.  When something goes wrong we get so deeply hurt, and so permanently, that we reject pain at any level and avoid it like the bubonic. Those of us on the other side know that growth is the product of pain, but until you’ve made that leap of faith and landed softly enough times, you’ll always fear it.  It’s totally unnecessary to fear it, and here’s why.

In my lifetime, there have been very few times where I found myself in a tough situation, and was unable to handle what was happening at that exact moment.  Looking back on it, there was always fear and regret, and when approaching a sticky situation or confrontation, there was always trepidation, but I always got through everything.  And so did you.  The sad truth is, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.  You’d be dead.  So, if that which does not kill you does make you stronger, you must be the strongest you’ve ever been right now.  Perhaps it’s time to act like it.  

The anticipation of pain is always far worse than it actually winds up being, and I always project that I’m going to have less strength to do what it takes when the time finally comes to step up.  I mean that in whatever way you could possibly dream up.  

We need to learn to trust ourselves to handle situations, because if there is one thing that can truly sap your strength in a crisis, it’s hesitation and over thinking.  While you’re supposed to be acting, you’re reacting because you’re in a constant state of sideswipe and surprise.  If you’re really looking to live this life while you’re still alive, pull your head out of your ass, and get to noticing.  Observe your surroundings.  Stop staring at your fucking phone or walking around thinking about how badly that thing went or this thing is going to go.  You are not that important.  The people around you are.  Plus, there’s like 50 of them, and only one of you.  Who are you?  Kanye West?

If you want to be seen as somebody who can handle their shit, handle your shit.  And learn from it, period.  Every time, without fail.  

Most of us would LOVE to be judged by our intentions rather than our actions, but due to the laws of nature, that’s just not the way it works, and it never will.  No matter how much you wish and hope, your wishes and desires will always have to be manifested into action and expressed through physical movement to become reality.  I can’t get into the myriad of ways this proves true, but trust me on this.  That’s how it works.  And yes, I know I said myriad OF.  It just doesn’t make sense to me when I write it without the of, so that’s that.

On the flip side, it’s a wonderful gift that we are NOT judged by our thoughts or intentions, a la Minority Report, because most of us would be in jail, dead, sick, drunk, STD infested, broke, etc.  It would be a torrid state of affairs.

After the drink is put down, the battle to quell character defects begins.  The perception is that these are to be removed so that YOU suffer less, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg.  The best motive for having your character defects removed is so that you can hurt less people and be of better service to more and more people.  I’ve found that motive to also produce the best results and the most relief.   

As I sat the other day in a battle with one of my “character” defects, I heard my sponsor in my head explaining what these little devils are.  Basically character defects are instincts that have exceeded their intended purpose, so they will never be fully removed.  If this were to happen there would be no reproduction, everybody would starve, there would be no ambition, etc.  You get the point.  I wasn’t battling with character defects.  I was battling with defects of intention, or impure thoughts.

“Nobody knows where thoughts come from.  They just…appear.”  Empire Records

That line in that movie made me feel SO much better in early sobriety because for a while, I thought I was sick and bad for thinking bad and sick things.  As I sat the other day 10 years later, I still feel bad for having bad thoughts.  But like I’ve also heard it said, as long as you don’t let it turn into an infomercial, you’ll be just fine.  See the thought, observe it, and get rid of it if need be.  You are not the originator of your thoughts but you are most certainly the authority.

This brings us to the line between character defects and impure thoughts.  I’m not saying that fantasizing about lust is good, but if it doesn’t ever turn into action, you’ll be just fine.  Just like homicidal thoughts can’t land you in jail, thinking of a cake won’t make you fat.

The fear to think comes from the obsession for alcohol as it relates to alcoholism.  If this is the case for you and you can’t think of lust or food without acting out, then this post is not addressing you or your other addictive tendencies.  You may need some extra help, but for the majority of us in AA for whom alcohol was the main problem, those other thoughts are going to come and go.  As a matter of fact, they tend to stick around longer when we beat ourselves up for even having them.  Be hard on yourself, but don’t forget what you are.  You are a work in progress, and for some of us, that’s as good as it’s gonna get.

It’s been said that your level of expectation has an inverse, yet very accurate effect on your level of serenity.  Some people have taken this beautiful concept and totally fucked it up.  They take it to mean if you expect shit, at least you won’t be disappointed when you get shit.  What actually happens though when you expect shit, is you get shit, because you pick shit out of the ether to show up in your life.  You don’t see the beauty so you pass it by like it never even existed, when really it’s been all around you all along. 

Keeping expectations low doesn’t mean expect poor things to happen, it means expect nothing and handle everything.  The more you’re focused on what you should be getting, the less able you are to handle what’s actually on your plate.  When you can’t handle what’s on your plate it feels like it’s too much, even if it’s only a little.  It’s like putting a full plate of food in front of somebody who’s starving versus putting a tiny bit of food in front of somebody who’s stuffed to the rafters.  You get the point right?

Trust yourself to be able to handle life as it happens and when the going gets rough, get going.  Make a move. If your thoughts are the problem, the action MUST be the solution.  Einstein said that the same mind that created the problem can’t be the same one to fix it.  The problems of the world will not be solved by the world.  The problems that YOU have manufactured to feel interesting or have something to do, will not be solved by the same brain that created them. They can, however, be turned around by some right action. We all know what this is, yet we seldom engage in it because we think that will render us useless or boring.  Little do you realize how quickly life will bring you problems to solve all by itself without you creating your own.  The world is unpredictable though, and it brings different problems all the time, and that is why we’re attracted to creating issues to deal with that are, at the very least, familiar.

With this style of living, it’s easy to feel victimized and that we’re not getting our fair share of freedom to live how we want.  I heard a woman say recently “Live as good as you can, but don’t expect everything to always be easy just because you’re doing the right thing.  And when you find yourself in a pit, don’t decorate it.  Ask for a ladder.”

Ask for a ladder.  And use it. 

It seems like everybody’s main goal is to keep their loved ones out of any pain in any form, in any capacity, and for any amount of time.  Yet this is where I did ALL of my growing and learning.  I did not say some.  I said all.  I have never had a great run of a couple of days and then looked back on it and wondered “What should I have done differently?” 

Pain is everything for us.  Self help “gurus” and parents alike all seem to have it all figured out, yet part of their pain is seeing us in pain, so if they haven’t learned how to deal with that pain, why are we listening to them about ours?

This is where it gets tricky.  You need to listen to yourself, and never hesitate.  ”You know what they say about he who hesitates in war.  What’s that? He who hesitates is lost” Jay-Z said that, and oh how true it is.  Now you don’t want to be jumpy and ruin your life in a state of confusion, but if you give yourself a couple of seconds to figure out where this impulse is coming from, you’ll have a good idea of how you should proceed.  

That’s another thing.  Most of the actions we take and decisions we make are designed to give us a detour from pain, yet every situation is different.  You are a different person and this is a different occasion. This doesn’t give you license to act like an asshole all day every day, but try trusting yourself to know that maybe things you thought were a good idea back then, maybe won’t seem like such a good idea now.  People get confused with this concept because what happens is they think “I had a bad idea last time.  This must be a bad idea now” even if it’s a totally different approach they’re taking.  People just don’t trust themselves, and so they hesitate.

The whole god is not a painkiller notion came from a friend of mine named Jack, who used to interject it into conversations all the time.  Its such a powerful statement.  Usually he would use it in reference to drugs and alcohol and the way people used god or the concept of a higher power as a pacifier, when really the relationship you have with any form of intellectual being is supposed to help you get to higher and higher levels of functioning and service day after day.  That’s using self will in the proper way, in my opinion.  How can I get better for those around me so that I become one less thing they have to worry about ruining their day. As if life isn’t hard enough, here comes I to make it a little tougher. 

So god is not a painkiller, because pain equals growth, and god is most certainly not a growthkiller.  Think about that next time you try avoid the slightest bit of discomfort by praying it away.  Maybe the discomfort hasn’t left yet because you haven’t changed or grown enough to make it dissipate.  Try something different.  Grow.  

My life has done a complete about face from the direction in which I was marching.  It wasn’t easy to turn around.  As a matter of fact, that was probably the hardest part.  Have you ever gotten that feeling that you were being followed and you knew that if you turned around, it would make it that much more real.  So maybe if you don’t turn around, nothing will be there.  You are sure though that if you do turn around, you’re going to see something horrible right behind you, close enough to touch you.  

Well I’ll tell you what, if there was something there that had you in it’s sights (even though life doesn’t do that) it would have struck already.  Life doesn’t do much talking.  It just happens.  Life is one of those things that abides by the “it’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission” philosophy.  

You can turn around at any time, especially if what you see in front of you is just as terrifying as what might be behind you.  This is the most amazing things about humans.  You could be looking forward at a present and future of terrible pain and suffering, yet somehow that’s less frightening than what might be behind you.  The fear of the unknown trumps the comfort of suffering almost every time.  Almost…

Until you make that first move and spin around as fast as you can, like a cop coming around a corner, gun drawn, ready for war.  That’s where you have to be to change your life, ready for war.  Ready for anything, and you have to know in your heart that whatever challenges you face as you embark on this new path will be dealt with accordingly and appropriately.  

No more cowering at nothing, or cowering at possibilities.  Don’t spend another day in fight or flight mode with nobody to fight and nothing to run away from. 

I’m not talking about sex, or drink.  I’m talking about relationship.  You never forget your first healthy relationship.  That the more you put into it, the more you got out of it.  It wasn’t tit for tat, and it was beyond reciprocal.  It was exponential.  I heard a woman say today that the first relationship she had like that was with her sponsor.  I think I agree.

For most people, this relationship is with their parents.  At some point they ween off their parents and they begin to depend on a higher power, all on their own, without having to be almost killed by alcohol and drugs.  Some people come to be fully self sufficient and lead really awesome lives fraught with knowledge and achievement.  

This was not my case.  My relationship with my parents was codependent and that’s how I treated everybody else.  I remember the first time I had this thought, “When I get off the phone with my sponsor and he tells me he just got home, I believe him.  Why don’t I believe my girlfriends?”  I always thought everybody was trying to fuck me, and not because they didn’t like me or wanted to hurt me, just because that’s what people did.  What I’ve learned, is that’s NOT what they do.  That’s what you expect when you’ve lived a life of emotional insatiability, but that’s not the norm.  

She shaped all of her relationships based on that model, and guess what happened.  She started to create healthier relationships with people as a result of it.  So just get that one healthy relationship going, and then base everything off that.  You did the opposite for so long.  Why not give it a shot?

The heart is forgiving and full of love.  The brain is the trouble maker.  When I get busy and I can’t get to the gym or make meetings as much as I’d like to, it doesn’t take long for me to start to feel the effects mentally, and then have those effects take hold on my life in reality.  

3 days out of meetings it’s almost like you’ve never been in one.  3 days in and it’s like you never left.  Meetings and self care get right to the core of who you are.  They speak to the heat.  The heart knows when you’re taking care of yourself, yet the brain loves to debate.  7 meetings this week? How come you didn’t pick up a sponsee?  5 gym sessions this week?  Doesn’t look like it. Coulda fooled me.  You get the point.  The brain is a dick. It remembers everything that ever happened and it usually remembers the pain at the absolute worst time.

Thank god for the heart.  The heart hears truth and talks sense into the brain.  I heard somebody say that he and his wife came up with a new rule; if it happened more than 72 hours ago, you can’t bring it up.  That’s three days.  

Think about it.  When you get into an argument or you are disappointed, there are definite physical reactions that take place. But those are usually gone in a couple of minutes.  Then as time goes on  you relive the moment in your mind just to make sure you were right about what happened.  As the hours tick away and turn into days, you have to make such an effort to keep that memory alive.  

The point is, if you want to keep manufacturing present pain from a past situation, that’s your problem.  Please don’t make it mine.