Self loathing is not unique to alcoholics. It’s something anybody with an ego suffers from. For me it sprang from never getting exactly what I needed when I was a child. In my parents defense, I was insatiable in every sense of the word.
But the truth is, when I did something bad I got yelled at, and when I did something good, it went unnoticed. I grew up and began treating myself the same way. I’ve never been one to respond to negative reinforcement, so why did I carry that into adulthood?
Because I never re-parented myself. If we are to be healthy, we need to ween ourself off the emotional teet of our parents and start giving ourselves what we need.
As somebody in recovery though, I need to watch for the ever inflating ego. If unchecked, it can be disastrous. So here’s what I do now and here’s what I used to do.
I used to keep myself sick on purpose so that I’d always have something to work on. I knew drugs and alcohol would kill me, but I figured as long as I was acting out on character defects like lust, gluttony, self centered fear, etc., I would remain imperfect and I would always have something to remind me that I can never drink safely again.
I’m here to tell you, that without your help, your human nature will always keep you imperfect. But that’s no reason to keep yourself sick on purpose. I’ve learned that since perfection is unattainable, I can trudge ahead and charge at it as long and as hard as I want, and I’ll never reach it. And if I ever do reach it, try and be perfect for two seconds in a row. The point is, imperfection is involuntary, so let growth be voluntary. There’s no need to hold yourself stagnant to reduce liability.
As a matter of fact, the more I retard my growth, the more of a liability it is.
Step into your greatness, today.
I know that ego inflation is something we need to watch for, but I was told the most wonderful thing a couple of years ago. I can become as great as I possibly can, as long as I realize that it’s through the empowerment of my higher power AND the people around me. Of myself, I am nothing, literally.